All entries are automatically blurred. Hover to reveal at your own risk. I don't write these for anyone but myself. They're very dark and less about being right or honest. Just pure emotion.
Doom and Gloom
All I feel like is a harbinger of doom and gloom. Like I just choke the joy out of living. I've been dealing with something so terrible for the past two days that I haven't been able to think directly about it. My first reflex was to try to approach the problem factually, but that I threw up. I made myself sick, can't fight my way out of the panic attacks it send me into, and essentially just now sit here, trying to pretend like my foot isn't resting on an emotional landmine. That probably sounds dramatic, but I can't pack the memory away for another day.
As a kid, I believed certain adults were safer than others. It makes sense even in a healthy way. Most kids favored their mom or their dad when they had to break bad news, right? I had favorite adults since my mom was a couch surfer and SW. We moved around a lot and there was someone who I would have died for. I loved them. Adored them. If I could, I'd wanted to be them. The kiddie admiration goggles coupled with the limited level of understanding a child could manage meant I had a very superficial opinion of people.
This is your last chance to avert your attention.
While I didn't understand or know, I have since been cursed with the knowledge of thigh riding. The safer adult and something of a mental support was just less terrible. They weren't a good person but they were one of the best people around me. I've always known they were comparatively awful, but I guess I felt like they had a limit that they just didn't actually have and it makes me so sick I want to just scream. It's all so much more specific and there's more to it, but I don't even feel connected to my body right now.
My thoughts are so heavy and I'm too tired to think. I just want to forget everything permanently. To restart right here, right now. No redos. Just undo me. Paint over my shape. Start over. Anything but another day of this stupid game the universe is playing with me. I give up. Mercy.
Nov 03 2025
Hollow Thoughts
I feel absolutely hollow. Obliterated. Destroyed. I'm so distressed and upset that I haven't been able to sleep and I can hardly bring myself to eat much of anything. I reek but I don't want to take my clothes off. I thought I could handle it, that it would be fine, but now all I feel like I can do is replay my own sexual assault on repeat in the back of my head. I'm scared of falling asleep because I keep having nightmares. Last night it was about my husband finding out and leaving me.
To add insult to injury, I've been turned on against my will by just about anything and everything which is starting to really worm its way under my skin to gnaw on my bones. I can't even stop shaking and I hate how little control I have over my body and mind right now. I cut my nails as far down as I could to stop myself from trying to rip my skin off and I just don't know what to think or do anymore. If I try to deal with it, I zone out for hours at a time and waste the entire day. If I don't try to deal with it, it invades my thoughts in ways that make every conscious second a living hell.
It's a terrible idea, but I used to take sleep aids to shut my brain off. I used to load up on caffeine and take sleep aids just so everything in my head would go quiet. It means I can't be happy, either, but it's not like I'm very capable of that right now anyways. I know better than to get the bottle since the blister packs help me control myself when I get impulsive and decide to test my luck.
I've been like this since August and it just feels like this is the new normal. Miserable. Optimistic. Suicidal. Enduring. Words of inspiration stained because no matter how hard I try I can't dig myself out of this pit I'm in. I've thought about killing myself almost every single day for the past two months. Obviously I don't intend to, but it's a heavy thought and reality. That I'm not okay no matter how hard I pretend to be. I'll live to see tomorrow, but I'll probably also fantasize about it all being over over. I feel sorry for anyone that actually believed in me because this would feel like a complete disappointment to hear.
Oct 30 2025
Unhappiness and Skincrawl
I am overcomplicated and trying so hard to be optimistic about it. I hate myself so much it gets overwhelming. Talking about it feels taboo but not talking about it makes me feel like glass on the verge of cracking from the pressure. It's shameful and humiliating. Everything is. I'm so unhappy when I should be thrilled and, if I let myself be honest for five freaking seconds, I really hope tomorrow never comes. I'm so sorry and I don't know what for or for who. This life just feels entirely wasted on me. I wish I'd died instead. I can't even make myself happy and so I'm selfishly drowning myself in distractions while my sorrow bleeds over and out of me, infecting everyone around me.
All I've been able to think about is myself and how awful I feel. It's like an itch under my skin up and down my arms and it hurts to leave it be. I've made it almost a year and I plan to make it two and, universe willing, the rest of my damn life, but it hurts. It itches so bad it almost burns. I know it's just a craving, but it's overwhelmingly uncomfortable and I hate that it feels like I've made zero progress with it. I don't want to be like this. I should be happier than ever because my life is better than ever, but I feel like I'm barely alive.
I am so sorry that things turned out this way because I'm the one who made it. I make so many people uncomfortable and the harder I try not to, the worse it gets. All I have are these pointless apologies. I'm going to spiral out and make a mess of a perfectly good life only to wake up every day because I'm a coward. I can't change and I'm stuck choking on my desires for everything to just stop so I can sleep for a small lifetime. All I do is worry people and bind them up in obligation because there is nothing in me as a human. People feel they need to pour hope and joy into me, but I am a bottomless void and wear them out. I just want them to stop trying because I don't want them to hate me for taking so much and having so little to offer.