Love and Worth
Nothing brightens my day and darkens my mood like love. My husband, my love, my light, my life, my muse, my raison d'etre. Also the object of my obsession from time to time, if you want to get brutally honest with it. I talk about him a lot because, without him, there would be no me. I'm trying to remind myself that he chose me, but sometimes that nagging voice in the back of my head convinces me he settled for me. Or that I somehow deceived him. I give myself far too much credit for all the awful things I think I can do, though. Bottom line is he's still here and he still loves me even if I don't think I deserve it. He decided I deserve it and, since it's not mine to give, I have no say in what I'm worth here. It's a depressingly happy take but it gets me through days like this when I feel like disappearing.
Oct 17 2025
Two Weeks Later
Whatever they put me on is working for better and for worse. I'm not as paranoid or hallucinating. That was intense. I convinced myself my stalker ex had been out to hunt me down like an animal and it isn't the proudest thing I've had to struggle with. There's worse that I've been convinced of, but this had been the worst in a long time. I had been so not okay that I considered some very drastic stuff. Nothing fatal or dangerous to others, but definitely not a good idea. I'm fine now, though. I'm drawing and writing again. The world makes more sense even if it's less colorful. I got my hands on the Gravity Guide which makes me so happy. Everything really is looking up and I hope I mean it this time. I kept telling myself "I'm doing better" while actively self destructing for the past couple months, just drowning while trying to convince everyone I'm fine because I believed it. Genuinely couldn't understand what I'd been doing to myself. I have to believe I'm doing better now. Cringier, maybe, but better. Sustainably happy and functional.