JAN 2025
Bitter Honesty
I am doing okay but I am so emotionally hurt right now that everything is getting under my skin. It's so mid-range that I'm honestly more upset about it compared to the near constant stream of actual issues I have going on. Everything is going to be alright but for some reason that's just making me feel worse. I didn't get to spend New Years with my mother in law because a snow storm blew in, leaving her by herself for New Years. No one on my side of the family really cared I didn't show up this year and that was a very self inflicted and isolating feeling. Without my MiL around, everything was either quiet or people were getting into screaming matches because we all just miss her. Our car broke down so we had to shell out for a new one on top of all that (eugh that was expensive). Like clockwork and as sure as taxes, Janurary 5th rolls around. It's the anniv of my grandmother's passing but she was probably the closest thing I had to a mother growing up. She taught me things like cardomancy but I can't remember how to do it anymore. While crashing out about that, Itahana left Sqen for freelance and he was the director of the game which probably kept me distracted long enough to essentially save my life. There will never be an end to that game and it hurt way more than it had any right to because it feels like this swell of impossible to resolve situations have all come to drown me at the start of 2026. It was just the straw that broke the camel's back.
All I want is resolution but human lives just aren't that simple, yeah? We don't get tropes and plotlines. You can do all the right things and still come out with the wrong answer or bad ending. Videogames were all I had growing up and it's the primary and almost only way I can communicate sometimes. Especially when I get tangled up like this where it doesn't matter what is worse because the weight of it all is overwhelming. Everything gets internalized and no matter how bad I want to cry and scream and throw things I just won't do anything. Everything will be okay and I have to make my peace with the fact I don't have to fight the universe to keep living and thriving for whatever dumb reason it throws my way. I grew up neck deep in conflict, waiting for high tide, and it will never come again. I can't swim to safety because I'm already safe. Nothing can by changed by sheer willpower and determination.
For a while I thought I had panic and anxiety attacks under control, but I guess I still have a ways to go.