NOVEMBER 2025

Excess Kindness

I started working out again and it makes me feel like a noodle boy supreme. My arms hurt so bad today because of what we did yesterday, but it's the good kind of pain in a bad way. I hate my life and wish I could be strong without working out but because I'm required to workout for the body I want I feel extra motivated via spite for the universe. It also really put into perspective the moral dilemma I've been grappling with for the past couple days. Emotions aren't physical. I can't stretch them out like my muscles when I overextend myself. If I feel guilty, I should make amends in my own way. If someone seeks an apology, I'll render it. Otherwise, I should work on the unreasonable amount of guilt I feel for simply crossing a line I didn't know existed.

When I think about being wrong and overstepping boundaries, I don't even mean the same thing most other people do. My sisters were confused I cared at all, but I'm the guy who didn't know you could throw a character and get tons of money despite it being my favorite game to the point of pure obsession among a variety of mean actions that I just didn't think of. I'm not a cruel person at all even if I want to paint myself as this terrible, awful human being to soothe my own guilt at just not living up to my own standards as a human being. I want to hemorrhage kindness. I want to be such a considerate person that I ultimately end up destroying myself in the process because it conflicts with what it means to live. People get hurt all the time and I should grow from these experiences to learn how to do better, but I'm a person, too. I also owe myself the kindness and consideration I offer others.

Nov 26 2025

Cherishing

I've chilled out and started taking things easier which is healthier right now. It's tempting to push myself to keep going at 100%, but I think I need to show myself some mercy these days. No one else will care about me and for me like I can, after all. This life is my only one so I should cherish it for what it is. I already think the fics I'm drafting reflect this change in priority. They're much less gloomy and softer. Gentler. Unapologetically comforting. I experience joy and warmth vicariously though these fics, lighting up my mood while I weather this rough phase in my life.

Nov 17 2025

Woag A Beater?

So I got into the close beta for Dissidia Duellum Final Fantasy (DDFF). It's super fun and I'm mad disappointed that I can't play during the day when I'm, you know, actually awake. It's better than nothing, though. I mained Prompto yesterday but tonight I'll be taking Lightning for a spin. There's rules against discussing certain things like bugs, so don't expect much from me. I like playing this goofy lil game too much to yap too much about it. My only real complaint that I think they can let slide is the balancing issues. They're a given at this stage, but man. MAN. Sometimes someone picks on me and I get really mad, but sometimes I'm picking on someone else and I am so full of joy. Thankfully this game has four stickers to choose from when you communicate because this could become quite toxic really fast if they allowed free chatting.

For those who noticed and cared, yeah the title is a SAO reference.

Nov 07 2025

The Illusive Normal

It feels like it has been forever since I wrote just a regular journal entry. I've been so doom and gloom that I couldn't, but huzzah! I've reached a new normal and, while I'm not sure what that is going to look like going forward, a guy can hope, right? I had a pretty bad episode last night, but weirdly enough I feel pretty okay aside from the part where I almost poured parmesan into my coffee instead of creamer. There's a lot I want to do and I'm still pretty annoyingly obsessed with The Crystal Bearers so it's time to be the force of "Shut The Fuck Up" I was born to be.

Nov 02 2025