JAN 2026
Heavier Still
I've rewritten this entry three times because I don't know what I'm thinking or feeling. I don't know what I want to do anymore than what I will do. One second I'm laughing and having a good time joking about something stupid and pointless. The next I'm crying and planning out my own disappearance. Back and forth, back and forth, like some emotional tug-o-war. I scramble to post more and aspire to post less. I want to have fun with others but I also feel like I ruin everything by being gloomy. I don't know anything right now I just feel and those feelings are suffocating.
Jan 9th 2026
Cognitive Dissonance
I don't think it's that I want actually die, I've never thought that, but I also kinda do. I want to want it. I want to drop the complications and jump off a bridge. There's a chainlink fence around the same bridge I used to think about jumping from when I'd walk home from school. That's how I feel. I am standing behind the chainlink fence, asking myself how badly I want to climb it, and what I'm going to do if I get caught. It's the sole source of immense stress and the main reason I will do nothing but rattle the fence, angry that I can't just let go of it all.
Planning things out restores my sense of control but it might also be more relaxing than going on vacation. I'm not sure what that says about me, but I feel pretty awful about the fact I'm so happy to just consider a future where it's just all over. Everything. All at once. Sure, those left behind won't see it my way, but the first time I wished I could just die had been seven. I've been in this hole for almost twenty years. The idea that I don't have to keep trying to dig my way out makes me so happy that I start to feel guilty, too.
I think I'm probably just confused, too. If anyone were to tell me the same things, I would be panicking. I should be panicking. Yet I'm calmer than ever and all my emotions are out of whack. These feelings, like a prion, make space for themselves and slowly destroy me.
Jan 8th 2026
Loose Ends
I've thought it over and over and over. I want to disappear. So many people have tried to snuff my life out and I don't feel like I belong anywhere in the world. I don't think I can genuinely connect with others and I honestly don't even want to. Maybe I do deserve to feel this way. There are a lot of lose ends I'd have to tie up before dipping, though.
First is my family. Who is going to take care of them when I'm gone? My sisters are always needing my help every so often and my husband would be lost without me. We're both pretty dependent on each other for emotional stability. Then are my friends, though few, who I would want to make sure get some of my things. I have a lot of cool stuff that just sorta sits around and I'd hate for it to get put on some shelf and slapped with a ridiculous price tag because 'oh look vintage stuff!' Last would by my stupid little archive. I doubt it'd add anything of value to what is already out there and I double doubt people care about the fics I rescued from uncertainty on decaying and poorly maintained sites, but it's a nice thought.
I don't have a bucket list. Playing the next FFCC title was sort of the tether holding me together, yeah? I could accept being in limbo forever, I could be okay with terrible remakes, all as long as tomorrow never came and summer never ended. My sixteen year summer ended, though, and the death wish caught up. I wasn't supposed to even turn eighteen and I'm turning twenty seven in about a month. Crazy, right? I lived a much longer life than I expected to.
There's a more than solid chance I'm going to end up turning around and living another ten years but planning things out like this makes me feel like I am in control. It makes me feel stable and steady even if stable and steady is incredibly fucking depressed.