JAN 2026
One Terrible Night
Last night was pretty rough. Someone had been outside my front door, screaming, and I'm so used to children running around and screaming that I just didn't notice it on top of my loud TV. At least, not until the cops arrived and she started screaming so very much louder. Things like "I didn't do it" and "I have proof". I spent two hours shoved in the corner of the stairwell on the second floor, terrified because they were even looking around my house with flashlights. My imagination is my worst imagination and I genuinely worried that something terrible might happen to me if I drew attention to myself. It's one of those things that I feel terrible about afterwards, but I need to remind myself I literally did not know and have my own garden variety of issues with paranoia, halliucinations, and whatnot that make it hard for me to manage my own life. That was the most terrifying night I've had in a while but that could have very well been the worst night of her life out there, having a mental breakdown on the sidewalk with no clue if the people around you are going to help you or not. I tried to tune her words out, tell myself it's not my business, but she screamed for 30 minutes and I wish she had someone to just hold her.
Now that it's behind me, I'm trying to find some peace. Every single day of 2026 so far has pushed me so far and I'm not going to hold up if I can't get some real relief. I need some way out. These things can't keep happening. I'm begging the universe for some mercy. Please let that terrible night be the last for a week. I will take a week or a day if the universe is running short on good fortune. Anything.
Jan 12th 2026
Bitter Honesty
I am doing okay but I am so emotionally hurt right now that everything is getting under my skin. It's so mid-range that I'm honestly more upset about it compared to the near constant stream of actual issues I have going on. Everything is going to be alright but for some reason that's just making me feel worse. I didn't get to spend New Years with my mother in law because a snow storm blew in, leaving her by herself for New Years. No one on my side of the family really cared I didn't show up this year and that was a very self inflicted and isolating feeling. Without my MiL around, everything was either quiet or people were getting into screaming matches because we all just miss her. Our car broke down so we had to shell out for a new one on top of all that (eugh that was expensive). Like clockwork and as sure as taxes, Janurary 5th rolls around. It's the anniv of my grandmother's passing but she was probably the closest thing I had to a mother growing up. She taught me things like cardomancy but I can't remember how to do it anymore. While crashing out about that, Itahana left Sqen for freelance and he was the director of the game which probably kept me distracted long enough to essentially save my life. There will never be an end to that game and it hurt way more than it had any right to because it feels like this swell of impossible to resolve situations have all come to drown me at the start of 2026. It was just the straw that broke the camel's back.
All I want is resolution but human lives just aren't that simple, yeah? We don't get tropes and plotlines. You can do all the right things and still come out with the wrong answer or bad ending. Videogames were all I had growing up and it's the primary and almost only way I can communicate sometimes. Especially when I get tangled up like this where it doesn't matter what is worse because the weight of it all is overwhelming. Everything gets internalized and no matter how bad I want to cry and scream and throw things I just won't do anything. Everything will be okay and I have to make my peace with the fact I don't have to fight the universe to keep living and thriving for whatever dumb reason it throws my way. I grew up neck deep in conflict, waiting for high tide, and it will never come again. I can't swim to safety because I'm already safe. Nothing can by changed by sheer willpower and determination.
For a while I thought I had panic and anxiety attacks under control, but I guess I still have a ways to go.